Marriage

This post is just for a laugh about marriage. If anyone really knows me, you will know that this is strictly tongue in cheek.

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Cajun Diet

Boudreaux was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. Doc: 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds. When Boudreaux returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs! Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?' Boudreaux nodded..'I'll tell you though, by God, I thought I wuz gonna drop dead on dat 3rd day From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor. Boudreaux: Hell no, it wuz from from all dat dam skippin'

God is Like...............

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.

Here are some of the results: scroll

God is like.

BAYER ASPIRIN
He works miracles.
God is like.

a FORD
He's got a better idea.
God is like.

COKE
He's the real thing.
God is like.

HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like.

TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like.

GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.
God is like.

SEARS

He has everything.
God is like.

ALKA-SELTZER
Try Him, you'll like Him.
God is like.

SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see Him, but you know He's there.
God is like.

DELTA
He's ready when you are.
God is like.

ALLSTATE

You're in good hands with Him.
God is like.

VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like.

DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody
did?
God is like.

the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

God is like.

Chevrolet.
. . .the heartbeat of America
God is like.

Maxwell House.
Good to the very last drop
God is like.

Bounty

He is the quicker picker upper... can handle the tough jobs...and He won't fall apart on you.

BLESSINGS FROM MY HOUSE TO YOUR HOUSE

Mailboxes

Todays post is in tribute to "Mailboxes". I really enjoyed the imaginations these people had when it came to their mailboxes. I hope you enjoy them also.

This one belongs to a cyclist!

This one I am leaving for your imagination!

This one I would think belongs to a lumberjack!

This one would be a construction worker!

This one belongs to that neighbor who is a Jacka$$

This one is that Bear Hunter!

No need to explain!

This one is taking your photo!

This one is that Harley lover!

This one is "I want to be a Harley lover" redneck!

This one is the "Diehard Harley Lover"!

NEW OFFICE POLICY

EFFECTIVE January 3, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a
picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns,
complaints,frustrations,irritations, aggravations,insinuations,allegations,
accusations,contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

The Difference between Women and Men

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Peanut-Head, Red and Puncho.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a
$20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and
none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and go to the grocery.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears
and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.

Rodger marries at 85

At 85 years of age, Rodger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Rodger should have separate bedrooms, because
she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Rodger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Rodger takes leave of his
bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Rodger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Rodger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Rodger Is
back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Rodger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I Am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.
I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Rodger.' Rodger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I
was here already?

The moral of the story:
Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud,
there is something wrong with you. This is
dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the
dear) purchased a week of personal training
at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being
a high school football cheerleader 43
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea
to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations
with a personal trainer named Belinda, who
identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing
and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out
of bed, but found it was well worth it when
I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
goddess - with blonde hair,dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda
gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a
heavy iron bar into the air then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new
life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds,
she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl
I couldn't help being a half an hour late,
it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch
to find me
Then, as punishment, she put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any
human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheer
leader. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would
beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
damned barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering
machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering
why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and
ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I' m having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD
that this week is over. I will also pray
that next year my daughter (the little shit)
will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still
say if God had wanted me to bend over, he
would have sprinkled the floor with
diamonds!!!

Telemarketing Tips

Today I am posting information, I got from a friend, for everyone in hopes to improve their lives. I am going to try it, besides what can it hurt. ;)

Three Little Words That Work
Hold On, Please...
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !

Junk Mail Help: When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away. When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage -paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage 'IF' and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas. Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 41 cents. The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again You get the idea !If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,

And bring so much happiness...just as they did.

I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.

Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,

And I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes.

I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.

I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,

I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.

Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,

I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,

I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,

And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,

I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.

I'll take off my socks and throw one away,

And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!

(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,

I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.

My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,

And say with a groan, "She's so sweet when she's sleeping!"

God Bless All Moms and Grandmas everywhere!

You might be having a bad day if ...part two

1] You woke up in a strange place

2] Your new diet doesn't seem to be working

3] You pulled a muscle while trying to exercise

4] Your new hat looked better on you at the store

5] You keep losing things

6] You feel like you're in the wrong place at the wrong time

7] The boss chewed you out at work

8] You got caught in the rain at lunchtime

9] You feel trapped somehow...

10] Traffic on the way home was brutal

11] You think you might be coming down with the flu

12] You're home alone and you hear a noise in the basement



With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed a few years ago. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 83. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.... And then the trouble started. You know it's funny. Now show this to someone else and make them smile. And make them be mentally Singing the Hokey Pokey All Day or Night ! Everyone have a Blessed and Wonderful day.