The Old Hollywood Squares

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the NAVY
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING

I-phone

It all began with an iPhone...
March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?


I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.


Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

Pearls

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash with his best friend, Wylie Post, was probably the greatest political sage this country ever has known.

Enjoy the following:

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3.. There are two theories to arguing with a woman . . Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.


In God We Trust

Senior Citizens Dress Code

Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young' , we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.
Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combination's DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spot
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins
And, Most importantly at some point you have to give up the 'DAISY DUKE' shorts

Noah the Dove

I received an email from a friend and thought it was so amazing what this animal did I had to pass it on. I researched it and found the web site that this story came from and wanted to make sure that everyone who was able to help could. Now the photos that I received look like Noah the Dove but the entire story and the book that will be coming out is even more amazing. I plan to buy this book for my granddaughter so that she knows there are wonderful people in this world and that God does wonderful things with all sorts of people and animals. I hope that you enjoy this post as much as I enjoyed the email.

Noah the Dove
These little bunnies, about 6 days old, were attacked by a dog and orphaned. Two out of the litter of five did not survive, and these three were not doing very well. Noah is a non-releasable, one-legged homing pigeon/rock dove that is in the rehab center. Noah kept going over to the bunny cage and looking in -- even sleeping in front of the door to the cage. Then, suddenly, there were only two bunnies in the cage. But when Noah moved a bit from the front of the cage to everyone's surprise...there was the tiny bunny...under Noah's wing...sound asleep! That little bunny rabbit had crawled through the cage, preferring a feather bed, no doubt to snuggling up with its litter mates! Now, they are all together and the bunnies are doing GREAT. When the bunnies scoot underneath Noah's feathers, he carefully extends his wings out to surround them and then they snuggle. When one of them moves and they start sticking out here and there, he gently pushes them back under him with his beak! It is beautiful and amazing to see...
Update on Noah the pigeon: We are Bob and Georganne Lenham of Wild Rose Rescue Ranch in Texas , home of Noah the Pigeon. After finding many posts online featuring Noah and the bunnies and reading about the many lives he has touched (his story has been forwarded around the world) we thought we'd post a follow-up and a few new photos. We knew there was something special about Noah the moment we saw him. Although the bunnies seem to be his favorite, Noah helps out with many rescue babies here at the Wild Rose Rescue Ranch...Noah's first litter of bunnies, almost raised and ready for release.
Now, Noah helps out with many rescue babies here at the ranch...How wonderful it is to have a full-time soft-feathered nurturer here at the rescue ranch! He cuddles with all the babies as they snuggle under his warm feathers...and he "coos" as if singing them to sleep with a lullaby.
Noah is truly, truly a God-send.

He will cover you with His feathers
And under His wings you will find refuge.
Psalm 91:4
This is what God does with us when we need the warmth and love He offers. He gathers us under His loving wings to a warm cradle of protection. All we need do in return is give Him the thanks and praise for being with us.

Snow Moose

I received these photos and story in an email and wanted to continue to pass it on to everyone I could think of, so here is someones travel story.
You probably won't ever see this in your travels! These animals were photographed just north of the Wisconsin border on a highway near Marenisco, MI.
Once in awhile there is an opportunity to take in a piece of nature that you may never see. In these days of unrest and turmoil it is great to see that GOD still produces some wondrous beauty.
The odds of seeing an albino moose are astronomical and to see this in the upper peninsula of Michigan , near Wisconsin , is even greater than astronomical. To see two of them together is nearly impossible.
We wanted to share these photos with as many people as possible because you will probably never have a chance to see this rare sight again.
This is a really special treat, so enjoy the shots of a lifetime.
Here is a write up on Snopes which tells their version of the story behind the photos. Either way you look at this story they are still beautiful animal photos no matter where they were taken .

http://www.snopes.com/photos/animals/albinomoose.asp

Qantas Airlines Repair Division

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division
In case you need a laugh: Remember, it takes a college (this is Oz, okay?) degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny........... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed. And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

20 Things to Remember

TWENTY THINGS TO REMEMBER

1. Faith is the ability to not panic.

2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you prayed, don't worry.

3. As a child of God, prayer is kinda like calling home every day.

4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.

5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.

6. Do the math. Count your blessings.

7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.

9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

10. Laugh every day -- it's like inner jogging.

11. The most important things in your home are the people.

12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. Come on in.

14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

16 . We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.

17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it; otherwise it's just hearsay.

18. Its all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking! Learn from the turtle, it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

No matter what storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. Leave gentle fingerprints on the soul of another for the angels to read.
I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well. Live life to the fullest... and thank God for every moment of your day !!

Bubba and Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines

Thank you for purchasing "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines"
brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta Texas. Enjoy!

1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last!

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

Dangerous Breed

Please read!!!

If you are an owner of a dog that belongs to a 'dangerous breed' category and you also have a child or a visiting small child please take this as a warning.


Don't leave your dog with a small child unattended under any circumstances!!!


Only one little moment was enough for the following to happen.


See the photo below .....








Thank you!
The Dog

I THINK I WILL GO BAREFOOT

Are you looking for a new pair of shoes ? ?

I'd like to see her standing up and walking in those.
I know it would be entertaining.

Every Scottish girl needs a pair of these

whatever . . .

Great bridal shoe! Hope the groom is eight foot tall
-Now I know I've got to get a pair of these. I'd feel like Mrs. Maxwell Smart.

There aren't enough words for this. Who the h@** wants to stand on a nail?

Did they borrow this idea from Transformers or Hannibal Lecter?

Now, I must confess. These might surprise us. They look springy.
You could pogo your way to where you're going.
Learning how to stop might take some experience once you get hopping.

I hope this is a joke. I've never fancied myself looking like one of those half-horse kind of people

If the designer was going for the "big foot" look, they missed.
Looks more like Hobbits' feet. Do they come with flea spray?

I hope the lights work on these. You could see where you're walking in the dark.
That would be cool.

One of the astronauts called. He wants the rest of his suit back.

Now, I must confess. These are much prettier than the
big fluffy duck, bear, chicken, etc houseshoes.

NO COMMENT

LOL LOL LOL or HA HA HA I hope those skinny nobby knee'd legs are strong.

Alright! I wonder what kind of dress you'd wear with them. Kinda stylish, really.

Again.............no comment

WHAT THE %&$^#*(@#()#() She didn't paint her toenails!

Well......at least if you have stinky feet, you can blame it on the fish

Now, this is one twisted cowpoke. At least I assume cowpoke (hairy legs).
Better shut up. don't want to get into trouble.

What exactly are we looking at?

Okay......now I'm worried. Is this her feet....or does she really not have
any toes inside of these amputated animal hooves.

Nasty is all that comes to mind here. Probably doesn't own a cat.
Or maybe they use these for training the cat.......mmmmm

Constipation Cure

This is my PSA for everyone that suffers at time with constipation…………..

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent constipation, here’s what to do. Look in the mirror and repeat the following phrase three times in succession when symptoms occur:
My present and future financial and personal well being are totally in the hands of…
Barack Obama
, Joe Biden
, Harry Reid
, Nancy Pelosi
, Tim Geithner
, Rahm Emmanuel , Chris Dodd , and Barney Frank ! If that doesn’t scare the poop out of you, then you are probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life. There is no need to thank me for this advice; I’m just doing it as a public service.
I found new names for some in this group and I liked it so much I want to pass it on.
Nobama, Bawney Fwank, EZkill Emanuel, and Piglosi.