Monday, June 30, 2008

A Dog's Purpose


A Dog's Purpose, (from a 6-year-old)
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, 'I know why.' Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?' The six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.' Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things
like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. Be always grateful for each new day.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

What a catch

Today will be my video tribute to baseball. I just love this catch.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Perfect Dress


Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the Best Dressed Mother-of-the-Bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her m other, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress?
You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.'
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'
NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

THE DIFFERENCE ON HOW A WOMAN AND A MAN SHOWER

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, Cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror
* make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
14. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower.
16. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
17. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed And leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, Shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
8. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs! Stuck on the soap.
11. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
12. Pee.
13. Rinse off and get out of shower.
14. Partially dry off.
15. Fail to notice water on floor because Curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her And make the woo-woo sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on her pillow.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, There is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and....woo woo!!!

Monday, June 23, 2008

An old American pilot


This is a good little story about a vivid memory of a P-51 and its pilot, as
told by a fellow who was 12 years old in Canada in 1967. You may know a few
others who could and would appreciate it, as well.
It was noon on a Sunday, as I recall, the day a Mustang P-51 was to take to
the air. They said it had flown in during the night from some U.S. airport;
the pilot had been tired and wanted to lay-over for the night. I marveled
at the size of the plane, now dwarfing the Pipers and Canucks tied down by
her. It was much larger than in the movies, and she glistened in the sun
like a bulwark of security from days gone by.
The pilot arrived by cab, paid the driver, and then stepped into the flight
lounge. He was an older man; his wavy hair was gray and tossed. Looked like
it might have been combed, say ...around the turn of the century.
His flight jacket was checked, creased and worn - it smelled old and
genuine.. Old Glory was prominently sewn to its shoulders. He projected a
quiet air of calm proficiency and pride devoid of arrogance. He filed a
quick flight plan to Montreal (Expo-67, Air Show) then walked across the
tarmac to the waiting old war bird.
After taking several minutes to perform his walk-around check, the pilot
returned to the flight lounge to ask if anyone would be available to stand
by with fire extinguishers while he 'flashed the old bird up'. .....Just to
be safe.
Though only 12 at the time, I was allowed to stand by with an extinguisher
after brief instruction on its use. 'If you see a fire, point, then pull
this lever!' (...I later became a firefighter, but that's another story).
The air around the 12 exhaust manifolds shimmered like a mirror from
the fuel fumes as the huge propeller started to rotate. One manifold,
then another, and yet another, coughed ..then barked in their wakenings. I
stepped back with the others, and in moments the huge V-12 Packard-
built Merlin 14-hundred horsepower engine came to life with a thunderous
roar, blue flames knifed from her exhaust manifolds, the concussion of the
exhausts shaking the air. Myself stunned, I looked at the others'
faces, but there was seemingly no concern, so I lowered the bell of my extinguisher.
One of the other guys signaled to walk back to the lounge. We did.
Several minutes later, we could hear the pilot doing his pre-flight
run-up. He had taxied down to the end of runway 19, out of our sight.
All went quiet for several seconds; we raced from the lounge to the
second story deck to see if we could catch a glimpse of the P-51
as she started down the runway.
We could not. But there we stood, eyes fixed to a spot half way down 19,
waiting to catch that final glimpse of a veteran of the skies. Then a roar
ripped across the field, much louder than before, like a furious hell-spawn
set loose!! ...Something mighty this way was coming!!
'My God!! Listen to that thing!' said the controller. And in seconds, the
Mustang burst into our line of sight. Its tail was already off, and it was
moving faster than anything I'd ever seen by that point on Runway 19.
Two-thirds the way down 19, the Mustang was airborne with her gear going up.
The prop tips were now supersonic and we clasped our ears as the Mustang
climbed hellishly fast into the circuit ...only to be eaten up by the dog-day haze.
We stood for a few moments in stunned silence, still trying to digest what
we'd just seen. Then the radio controller rushed by me to the radio.
'Kingston tower calling Mustang?' He looked back to us as he waited for an
acknowledgment. The radio crackled, 'Go ahead Kingston.'
'Roger Mustang. Kingston tower would like to advise the circuit is clear for
a low level pass.'
I stood in shock because the controller had, more or less, just asked the
pilot to return for an impromptu 'air show' !
The controller looked at us. '...What?' He asked.
'....I can't let that guy go without at least asking!
I could never forgive myself !'
The radio crackled once again, 'Kingston, do I have permission for a
low level pass, east to west, across the field ?'
'Roger Mustang, the circuit is clear for an east to west pass.'
'Roger, Kingston, I'm coming out of 3000 feet ....stand by.'
We rushed back onto the second-story deck again, our eyes fixed toward the
eastern haze. The sound was subtle at first, a high-pitched whine, a muffled
screech, a distant scream in the morning air.
Moments later the P-51 burst through the haze. Her airframe straining against
positive G's and gravity, wing tips spilling contrails of condensed air, prop-tips
again supersonic as the burnished bird blasted across the eastern margin of the
field, shredding and tearing the still air with a banshee scream of her twelve cylinders.
..At about 400+ mph and 150 yards from where we stood, she passed with the
old American pilot saluting us!! Imagine.... a salute !
I felt like laughingI felt like crying, she glistened, she screamed, the building
shook, myheart pounded.
Then the old pilot pulled her up ....and rolled, and rolled ......and rolled out of
sight into the broken clouds ...and indelibly into my memory.
I've never wanted to be an American more than on that day. It was a time
when many nations in the world looked to America as their 'big brother'; a steady and even-handed beacon of security, who navigated difficult political waters with grace and style; not unlike the pilot who'd just flown forever into my memory. He was proud, not arrogant ...humble, not a braggart, old and honest, projecting an aura of America at its very best.
That America WILL return one day, I know it will. Until that time, I'll just send off this story; calling it a reciprocal salute ....to the old American pilot who wove a memory for a young Canadian that has lasted a lifetime.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Truisms

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.


I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Paddle store

YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE.
I Found It!

I found it!...
And you thought there was no such place, huh????

You will all be so pleased I posted this....... How many times have we been 'up there without one!'

Sunday, June 15, 2008

NEW SUNBURN TREATMENT


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Fishing the Human Way

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Grayridge, Missouri recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. These here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
Now for your viewing pleasure here is a video of fishing the human style. ;)

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

How many zeros in a billion


This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the

Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about

whether you want the 'politicians' spending

YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,

but one advertising agency did a good job of

putting that figure into some perspective in

one of it's releases.

A.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were

Living in the Stone Age.

D.

A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.

A billion dollars ago was only

8 hours and 20 minutes,

At the rate our government

Is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look

at New Orleans . It's amazing what you can learn with some simple

division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D),

Is presently asking the Congress for

$250 BILLION

To rebuild New Orleans

Interesting number, What does it mean?

A.

Well, if you are one of

484,674 residents of

New Orleans

(every man, woman, child),

you each get $516,528.

B.

Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in

New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.

Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets

$2,066,012.

Washington, D. C.

< HELLO! >

Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Perm it Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),

Liquor Tax,

Luxury Tax,

Marriage License Tax,

Medicare Tax,

Property Tax,

Real Estate Tax,

Service charge taxes,

Social Security Tax,

Road Usage Tax (Truckers),

Sales Taxes,

Recreational Vehicle Tax,

School Tax,

State Income Tax,

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),

Telephone Federal Excise Tax,

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,

Telephone Minimum Usage

Surcharge Tax,

Telephone Recurring and

Non-recurring Charges Tax,

Telephone State and Local Tax,

Telephone Usage Charge Tax,

Utility Tax,

Vehicle License Registration Tax,

Vehicle Sales Tax,

Watercraft Registration Tax,

Well Permit Tax,

Workers Compensation Tax.

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these ta xes existed 100 years ago,

and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the

world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to

'press 1'

For English.

I hope this goes around the

USA

At least 100 times

What the heck “Hell” happened?????

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Maxine on America 2

Todays post will be a visual display. My collection of Maxine attitudes and I'm hoping you enjoy them and put a smile on your face for the day.

















Saturday, May 31, 2008

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

George & Maxine should be running for president

Don't you think they would get this USA Straighten

Out in a hurry????

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule:
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations FROM rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule:
Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule:
Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you 're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule:
Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule:
If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,

You're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols.

If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule:
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:
There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket , water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule:
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee,

Half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule:
I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule:
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule:
Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule:
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:
If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule:
And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my h ands

New Rule:
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule:
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Children's Bible in a Nutshell

Today I turned a year older. Yes for those from the east coast that means that it is my birthday today. Someone told me I could turn my age around, so today I turn 35. I couldn't resist posting this cute and hilarious story I got from a friend and I hope you enjoy it also.

A child was told to write a book report on the entire Bible. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching?

Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but
I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah,who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat,smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyway's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Medical Humor


1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . ' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab !' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her under- wear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. ' Big breaths,'. . I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ' Which one ?'. . I asked.

'The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked .' How long have you been bedridden ?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . ' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY ! ! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you ?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' '
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The calendar for the guys

I have my Firefighters Calendar so I thought it was only fair for me to put together a guys calendar. LOL. Here it is guys I hope you enjoy it.
























A Real Bass Boat

A REAL BASS BOAT!

ZOOM, ZOOM, ZOOM!!!


2,000 HP Outboard Inflatable ..

Here's the latest drug runner toy from Europe .
This thing raced across the English channel 3 times per week and was just a blur on the radar of the British Coast Guard. They were so astonished by the speed of the unknown craft, they brought in a special high speed helicopter to chase it. Drugs were found on board. You'd have to be on drugs to put the throttle down on this thing!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Marriage and the remote


After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the Mrs. felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts,
stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" I found the remote," he mumbled.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Wisdom from the Mysterious Orient

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me ALONE.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and you never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Monday, May 05, 2008

What a beautiful world God made for us

What a beautiful world God made for us.....

Cherry Blossoms Japan

Tundra

Autumn in Germany

The beauty of Antarctica

Saltzburg Austria - the most beautiful city we have ever seen.

Neuschwannstein, King Ludwig's Castle in Bavaria, Germany

View of Holland

Beauty of Tibet


Disney Castle

Golden Maple Leaf

Edge of Glacier

Lavender Farm and Tree


Lavender Farm


The Night Scene of Eiffel Tower

Blue Sea


Rainbow

Mirror Lake

Lavender at the Foot of the Mountain

Comet (Make a wish)

The Purple Romance

Breithorn Peak ( Switzerland )

Deep Autumn

The Moon and Star on Earth