Wal-Mart Cake

Wal-Mart Cake
It took me a second, but make sure you read the story under the picture.
Keep in mind this really did happen. For someone who was moving from an insurance claims office.

Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Wal Mart Employee: 'Hello 'dis be Wal Marts, how can I help you?'

Customer: ' I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Wal Mart Employee: 'What you want on the cake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne' and underneath that 'We will miss you'.

STOP LAUGHING! You can't fix stupid

Bubba's Resume

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety. My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Bubba
PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

Employer's response:
Dear Bubba:
It's O K, Honey. We've got spell check. See you Monday.

The dog food diet

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's a$$ and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

German is German

It pays to know Pennsylvania German...

An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!" (which means: "Don't drink the water. The cows and pigs have crapped in it!")
The man shouts back: "I am a Muslim. I don't understand, nor do I care to understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"
The Amish man shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!"

Grandma and Jesus

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
"Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of
God!"
"Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!"
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking.
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks.
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma