RETARDED GRANDPARENTS

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(this was actually reported by a teacher)

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have gotten it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

..... PRICELESS

Food Stamp Card

This is something to think about before you open your mouth when you don't know the circumstances! 'Some people!' snorted a man standing behind me in the long line at the grocery store. 'You would think the manager would pay attention and open another line, 'said a woman. I looked to the front of the line to see what the hold up was and saw a well dressed, young woman, trying to get the machine to accept her credit card. No matter how many times she swiped it, the machine kept rejecting it. It's one of them welfare card things. Damn people need to get a job like everyone else,' said the man standing behind me. The young woman turned around to see who had made the comment. 'It was me,' he said, pointing to himself. The young lady's face began to change expression. Almost in tears, she dropped the welfare card onto the counter and quickly walked out of the store. Everyone in the checkout line watched as she began running to her car. Never looking back, she got in and drove away. After developing cancer in 1977 and having had to use food stamps; I had learned never to judge anyone, without knowing the circumstances of their life. This turned out to be the case today. Several minutes later a young man walked into the store. He went up to the cashier and asked if she had seen the woman. After describing her, the cashier told him that she had run out of the store, got into her car, and drove away. Why would she do that?' asked the man. Everyone in the line looked around at the fellow who had made the statement. 'I made a stupid comment about the welfare card she was using. Something I shouldn't have said. I'm sorry,' said the man. Well, that's bad, real bad, in fact. Her brother was killed in Afghanistan two years ago. He had three young children and she has taken on that responsibility. She's twenty years old, single, and now has three children to support,' he said in a very firm voice. I'm really truly sorry. I didn't know,' he replied, shaking both his hands about. The young man asked, 'Are these paid for?' pointing to the shopping cart full of groceries. 'It wouldn't take her card,' the clerk told him. Do you know where she lives?' asked the man who had made the comment. Yes, she goes to our church.' Excuse me,' he said as he made his way to the front of the line. He pulled out his wallet, took out his credit card and told the cashier, 'Please use my card. PLEASE!' The clerk took his credit card and began to ring up the young woman's groceries. Hold on,' said the gentleman. He walked back to his shopping cart and began loading his own groceries onto the belt to be included. 'Come on people. We got three kids to help raise!' he told everyone in line. Everyone began to place their groceries onto the fast moving belt. A few customers began bagging the food and placing it into separate carts. 'Go back and get two big turkeys,' yelled a heavyset woman, as she looked at the man. 'NO,' yelled the man. Everyone stopped dead in their tracks. The entire store became quiet for several seconds. 'Four turkeys,' yelled the man. Everyone began laughing and went back to work. When all was said and done, the man paid a total of $1,646.57 for the groceries. He then walked over to the side, pulled out his check book, and began writing a check using the bags of dog food piled near the front of the store for a writing surface. He turned around and handed the check to the young man. 'She will need a freezer and a few other things as well,' he told the man. The young man looked at the check and said, 'This is really very generous of you.' 'No,' said the man. 'Her brother was the generous one.' Everyone in the store had been observing the odd commotion and began to clap. And I drove home that day feeling very American. We live in the Land of the free, because of the Brave!!! Remember our Troops of Yesterday and Today!!! A great example of why we should be kind and patient. Kindness is the language the blind can see and the deaf can hear. May God's many blessings continue to be with you - ALWAYS!!!

MEDICAL TEST

MEDICAL TEST
STARE INTO THE CAT'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS...

Then Scroll Down
NOW STARE IN THE PUPPY'S EYES FOR 10 SECONDS...

Scroll Down

Your CAT SCAN
and LAB TESTS
are now complete


couldn't resist...

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. ( I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear ' the rules ' from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we
.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Numbers.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Duck Story

Duck Story
Something really amazing happened in Downtown Spokane this week and I had to share the story with you.
Some of you may know that my brother, Joel, is a loan officer at Sterling Bank. He works downtown in a second story office building, overlooking busy Riverside Avenue. Several weeks ago he watched a mother
duck choose the cement awning outside his window as the uncanny place to build a nest above the sidewalk.
The mallard laid ten eggs in a nest in the corner of the planter that is perched over 10 feet in the air. She dutifully kept the eggs warm for weeks and Monday afternoon all of her nine ducklings hatched.

Joel worried all night how the momma duck was going to get those babies safely off their perch in a busy, downtown, urban environment to take to water, which typically happens in the first 48 hours of a duck hatching. Tuesday morning, Joel came to work and watched the mother duck encourage her babies to the edge of the perch with the intent to show them how to jump off!

The mother flew down below and started quacking to her babies above. In his disbelief Joel watched as the first fuzzy newborn toddled to the edge and astonishingly leapt into thin air, crashing onto the cement below.

My brother couldn't watch how this might play out. He dashed out of his office and ran down the stairs the sidewalk where the first obedient duckling was stuporing near its mother from the near fatal fall.

Joel looked up. The second duckling was getting ready to jump! He quickly dodged under the awning while the mother duck quacked at him and the babies above. As the second one took the plunge, Joel jumped forward
and caught it with his bare hands before it hit the cement. Safe and sound, he set it by the momma and the other stunned sibling, still recovering from its painful leap.
One by one the babies continued to jump to join their anxious family below. Each time Joel hid under the awning just to reach out in the nick of time as the duckling made its free fall. The downtown sidewalk came
to a standstill. Time after time, Joel was able to catch the remaining 7 and set them by their approving mother.

At this point Joel realized the duck family had only made part of its dangerous journey. They had 2 full blocks to walk across traffic, crosswalks, curbs, and pedestrians to get to the closest open water, the Spokane River.
The onlooking office secretaries then joined in, and hurriedly brought an empty copy paper box to collect the babies. They carefully corralled them, with the mother's approval, and loaded them up into the white cardboard
container. Joel held the box low enough for the mom to see her brood. He then slowly navigated through the downtown streets toward the Spokane River, as the mother waddled behind and kept her babies in sight.

As they reached the river, the mother took over and passed him, jumping into the river and quacking loudly.

At the water's edge, the Sterling Bank office staff then tipped the box and helped shepherd the babies toward the water and to their mother after their adventurous ride.

All ten darling ducklings safely made it into the water and paddled up snugly to momma duck. Joel said the mom swam in circles, looking back toward the beaming bank workers, and proudly quacking as if to say,

'See, we did it! Thanks for all the

help

You could have heard a pin drop

You could have heard a pin drop. You don't say?

When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.' You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear
powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?' You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.' You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' The customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously .. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.' 'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to.' You could have heard a pin drop.

True Redneck Tank Top

True Redneck Tank Top!!!!
This was taken in front of the Gardendale, Alabama, Walmart while she was going to the Flea market.
This is hysterical! Look at it closely.


Now I ask you...
Who sits and looks at a pair of men's briefs and says hmmmm...I can make a nice summer top from these!! On the other hand...$6 for a three pack is a good price!!

North Carolina vs Texas

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party & invited all of his buddies & neighbors. He also invited Darrell, the only Red Neck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Darrell was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating Shrimp, oysters, BBQ & flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10ft man-eating gator In my pool & I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash & every-one turned around & saw Darrell in the pool! Darrell was fighting the gator & kicking its a$$! Darrell was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts & choke holds, biting the gator on the tail & flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning & splashing everywhere. Both Darrell & the gator were screaming & raising hell. Finally Darrell strangled the gator & let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Darrell then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, 'Well, Darrell, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Darrell. The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?' No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Darrell. The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex & some stock options?' Again Darrell said no. Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Darrell, then what do you want?' Darrell said, 'I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool!

=

Answer to Life

First day, God created the dog and said: Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years. The dog said: That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten? So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span. The monkey said: Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did? And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years. The cow said: That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty? And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.' But man said: Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay? Okay, said God, you asked for it. So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Tampons to the rescue

http://www.snopes.com/military/tampon.asp
I received this story from a friend and even though according to the link to snopes it is still a wonderful story. May we send this story on to all so that we cane honor all of our troops.
Tampons To The Rescue!
Tampons to the rescue in Iraq !! Don't worry, it's a good story, and worth reading. It's even humorous in parts. It's from the mother of a Marine in Iraq .
My son told me how wonderful the care packages we had sent them from the ladies auxiliary were and wanted me to tell everyone thank you.
He said that one guy we'll call Marine X, got a female care package and everyone was giving him a hard time. My son said, 'Marine X got some really nice smelling lotion and everyone really likes it, so every time he goes to sleep they steal it from him.' I told my son I was really sorry about the mistake, and if he wanted I would send Marine X another package. He told me not to worry about Marine X because every time I send something to him, he shares it with Marine X.
He said when my husband and I sent the last care package, Marine X came over to his cot picked up the box, started fishing through it, and said, 'What'd we get this time?'
But my son said they had the most fun with Marine X's package. He said he wasn't sure who it was supposed to go to, but the panties were size 20, and he said one of the guys got on top of the Humvee and jumped off with the panties over his head and yelled, 'Look at me, I'm a n Airborne Ranger!!!!'
One of the guys attached the panties to an antenna and it blew in the wind like a windsock. He said it entertained them for quite awhile. Then of course.......they had those tampons. When he brought this up, my imagination just went running, but he continued.
My son said they had to go on a mission and Marine X wanted the Chap-Stick and lotion for the trip. He grabbed a bunch of the items from his care package and got in the Humvee. As luck would have it he grab bed the tampons too, and my son said everyone was teasing him about 'not forgetting his feminine hygiene products.'
He said things went well for a while, then the convoy was ambushed and a Marine was shot. He said the wound was pretty clean, but it was deep. He said they were administering first aid but couldn't get the bleeding to slow down, and someone said, 'Hey! Use Marine X's tampons!' My son said they put the tampon in the wound. At this point my son profoundly told Me, 'Mom, did you know that tampons expand?' ('Well....yeah!')
They successfully slowed the bleeding until the guy got better medical attention. When they went to check on him later, the surgeon told them, 'You guys saved his life. If you hadn't stopped that bleeding he would have bled to death.' My Son said, 'Mom, the tampons sent by the Marine Moms by mistake saved a Marine's life.'
At this point I asked him, 'Well, what did you do with the rest of the tampons?'
He said, 'Oh, we divided them up and we all have them in our flak jackets, and I kept two for our first aid kit.'
I am absolutely amazed by the ingenuity of our Marines. I can't believe that something that started out as a mistake then turned into a joke, ended up saving someone's life. My sister said she doesn't believe in mistakes. She believes God had a plan all along. She believes that 'female care package' was sent to Marine X to save our Marine.
Either way, our efforts have boosted the morale of many Marines, provided much needed items for our troops, AND saved the life of a Marine! God bless every one of you for your efforts and hard work, and God bless our Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force and all our military service personnel.

GOD BLESS AMERICA AND KEEP IT SAFE!

Angel Food

Click the title "Angel Food" and it will send you to the web site and all the information.
Today is a PSA and a great service that someone let me know about. In today's time of high gas and food prices this is always helpful.

I think all of us can agree that food is more expensive. (I’ve even noticed that prices have risen since the last visit!)

These prices have especially hurt the poor and lower middle class. With every penny already accounted for, more money for the same amount of food wasn’t exactly part of the anticipated equation.

I have discovered a wonderful program that might help you: Angel Food. It is not a charitable contribution, it is a discount. You pay for some food, but it is discounted.

NAIL IN THE FENCE

Make sure you read all the way down to the very last sentence.
(Most importantly the last sentence)
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence over the next
few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily
gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to
drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm Sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us." Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole.

FACTS TO PONDER

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(Calculation) Accidental deaths per physician is

0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of

Health Human Services.

Now think about this:

Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S is

80,000,000.

(Yes, that’s 80 million..)

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths

per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(Calculation) The number of accidental deaths

per gun owner is .000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately

9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, ‘Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.’

Fact: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one Dr.

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.

We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

Remember

This is terrible because I remember almost all of these. I hope memory lane is as nice to you as it is to me.
45 rpm spindles

Green Stamps

Metal ice cubes trays with levers

Beanie and Cecil

Roller-skate keys

Cork pop guns

Marlin Perkins

Drive in Movies

Drive in restaurants

Car Hops

Topo Gigio

Washtub wringers

The Fuller Brush Man

Sky King

Reel-To-Reel tape recorders

Tinkertoys

Erector Sets

Lincoln Logs

15 cent McDonald hamburgers

5 cent packs of baseball cards

Penny candy

25 cent a gallon gasoline

Jiffy Pop popcorn

5 cent stamps

Gum wrapper chains

Chatty Cathy dolls

5 cent Cokes

Speedy Alka-Seltzer

Cigarettes for Christmas

Falstaff Beer

Burma Shave signs

Brownie camera

Flash bulbs

TV Test patterns

Old Yeller

Chef Boy-AR-dee

Fire escape tubes

Timmy and Lassie

Ding Dong Avon calling

Brylcreem

Aluminum Christmas Trees