Monday, June 30, 2008

A Dog's Purpose


A Dog's Purpose, (from a 6-year-old)
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, 'I know why.' Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?' The six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.' Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things
like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. Be always grateful for each new day.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

What a catch

Today will be my video tribute to baseball. I just love this catch.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Perfect Dress


Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the Best Dressed Mother-of-the-Bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her m other, 'Aren't you going to return the other dress?
You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.'
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'
NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

THE DIFFERENCE ON HOW A WOMAN AND A MAN SHOWER

Part 1: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, Cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror
* make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
14. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower.
16. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
17. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
18. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Part 2: HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed And leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, Shake wiener at her while making the woo-woo sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off.
8. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs! Stuck on the soap.
11. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
12. Pee.
13. Rinse off and get out of shower.
14. Partially dry off.
15. Fail to notice water on floor because Curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her And make the woo-woo sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on her pillow.
If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this, There is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and....woo woo!!!

Monday, June 23, 2008

An old American pilot


This is a good little story about a vivid memory of a P-51 and its pilot, as
told by a fellow who was 12 years old in Canada in 1967. You may know a few
others who could and would appreciate it, as well.
It was noon on a Sunday, as I recall, the day a Mustang P-51 was to take to
the air. They said it had flown in during the night from some U.S. airport;
the pilot had been tired and wanted to lay-over for the night. I marveled
at the size of the plane, now dwarfing the Pipers and Canucks tied down by
her. It was much larger than in the movies, and she glistened in the sun
like a bulwark of security from days gone by.
The pilot arrived by cab, paid the driver, and then stepped into the flight
lounge. He was an older man; his wavy hair was gray and tossed. Looked like
it might have been combed, say ...around the turn of the century.
His flight jacket was checked, creased and worn - it smelled old and
genuine.. Old Glory was prominently sewn to its shoulders. He projected a
quiet air of calm proficiency and pride devoid of arrogance. He filed a
quick flight plan to Montreal (Expo-67, Air Show) then walked across the
tarmac to the waiting old war bird.
After taking several minutes to perform his walk-around check, the pilot
returned to the flight lounge to ask if anyone would be available to stand
by with fire extinguishers while he 'flashed the old bird up'. .....Just to
be safe.
Though only 12 at the time, I was allowed to stand by with an extinguisher
after brief instruction on its use. 'If you see a fire, point, then pull
this lever!' (...I later became a firefighter, but that's another story).
The air around the 12 exhaust manifolds shimmered like a mirror from
the fuel fumes as the huge propeller started to rotate. One manifold,
then another, and yet another, coughed ..then barked in their wakenings. I
stepped back with the others, and in moments the huge V-12 Packard-
built Merlin 14-hundred horsepower engine came to life with a thunderous
roar, blue flames knifed from her exhaust manifolds, the concussion of the
exhausts shaking the air. Myself stunned, I looked at the others'
faces, but there was seemingly no concern, so I lowered the bell of my extinguisher.
One of the other guys signaled to walk back to the lounge. We did.
Several minutes later, we could hear the pilot doing his pre-flight
run-up. He had taxied down to the end of runway 19, out of our sight.
All went quiet for several seconds; we raced from the lounge to the
second story deck to see if we could catch a glimpse of the P-51
as she started down the runway.
We could not. But there we stood, eyes fixed to a spot half way down 19,
waiting to catch that final glimpse of a veteran of the skies. Then a roar
ripped across the field, much louder than before, like a furious hell-spawn
set loose!! ...Something mighty this way was coming!!
'My God!! Listen to that thing!' said the controller. And in seconds, the
Mustang burst into our line of sight. Its tail was already off, and it was
moving faster than anything I'd ever seen by that point on Runway 19.
Two-thirds the way down 19, the Mustang was airborne with her gear going up.
The prop tips were now supersonic and we clasped our ears as the Mustang
climbed hellishly fast into the circuit ...only to be eaten up by the dog-day haze.
We stood for a few moments in stunned silence, still trying to digest what
we'd just seen. Then the radio controller rushed by me to the radio.
'Kingston tower calling Mustang?' He looked back to us as he waited for an
acknowledgment. The radio crackled, 'Go ahead Kingston.'
'Roger Mustang. Kingston tower would like to advise the circuit is clear for
a low level pass.'
I stood in shock because the controller had, more or less, just asked the
pilot to return for an impromptu 'air show' !
The controller looked at us. '...What?' He asked.
'....I can't let that guy go without at least asking!
I could never forgive myself !'
The radio crackled once again, 'Kingston, do I have permission for a
low level pass, east to west, across the field ?'
'Roger Mustang, the circuit is clear for an east to west pass.'
'Roger, Kingston, I'm coming out of 3000 feet ....stand by.'
We rushed back onto the second-story deck again, our eyes fixed toward the
eastern haze. The sound was subtle at first, a high-pitched whine, a muffled
screech, a distant scream in the morning air.
Moments later the P-51 burst through the haze. Her airframe straining against
positive G's and gravity, wing tips spilling contrails of condensed air, prop-tips
again supersonic as the burnished bird blasted across the eastern margin of the
field, shredding and tearing the still air with a banshee scream of her twelve cylinders.
..At about 400+ mph and 150 yards from where we stood, she passed with the
old American pilot saluting us!! Imagine.... a salute !
I felt like laughingI felt like crying, she glistened, she screamed, the building
shook, myheart pounded.
Then the old pilot pulled her up ....and rolled, and rolled ......and rolled out of
sight into the broken clouds ...and indelibly into my memory.
I've never wanted to be an American more than on that day. It was a time
when many nations in the world looked to America as their 'big brother'; a steady and even-handed beacon of security, who navigated difficult political waters with grace and style; not unlike the pilot who'd just flown forever into my memory. He was proud, not arrogant ...humble, not a braggart, old and honest, projecting an aura of America at its very best.
That America WILL return one day, I know it will. Until that time, I'll just send off this story; calling it a reciprocal salute ....to the old American pilot who wove a memory for a young Canadian that has lasted a lifetime.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Truisms

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.


I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.


God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?


Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.


I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Paddle store

YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE.
I Found It!

I found it!...
And you thought there was no such place, huh????

You will all be so pleased I posted this....... How many times have we been 'up there without one!'

Sunday, June 15, 2008

NEW SUNBURN TREATMENT


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Fishing the Human Way

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Grayridge, Missouri recently with two ice chests full of fish.
He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. These here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
Now for your viewing pleasure here is a video of fishing the human style. ;)

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

How many zeros in a billion


This is too true to be funny.

The next time you hear a politician use the

Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about

whether you want the 'politicians' spending

YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,

but one advertising agency did a good job of

putting that figure into some perspective in

one of it's releases.

A.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were

Living in the Stone Age.

D.

A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.

A billion dollars ago was only

8 hours and 20 minutes,

At the rate our government

Is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look

at New Orleans . It's amazing what you can learn with some simple

division.

Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D),

Is presently asking the Congress for

$250 BILLION

To rebuild New Orleans

Interesting number, What does it mean?

A.

Well, if you are one of

484,674 residents of

New Orleans

(every man, woman, child),

you each get $516,528.

B.

Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in

New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787.

C.

Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets

$2,066,012.

Washington, D. C.

< HELLO! >

Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Perm it Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),

Liquor Tax,

Luxury Tax,

Marriage License Tax,

Medicare Tax,

Property Tax,

Real Estate Tax,

Service charge taxes,

Social Security Tax,

Road Usage Tax (Truckers),

Sales Taxes,

Recreational Vehicle Tax,

School Tax,

State Income Tax,

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),

Telephone Federal Excise Tax,

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,

Telephone Minimum Usage

Surcharge Tax,

Telephone Recurring and

Non-recurring Charges Tax,

Telephone State and Local Tax,

Telephone Usage Charge Tax,

Utility Tax,

Vehicle License Registration Tax,

Vehicle Sales Tax,

Watercraft Registration Tax,

Well Permit Tax,

Workers Compensation Tax.

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these ta xes existed 100 years ago,

and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the

world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to

'press 1'

For English.

I hope this goes around the

USA

At least 100 times

What the heck “Hell” happened?????

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Maxine on America 2

Todays post will be a visual display. My collection of Maxine attitudes and I'm hoping you enjoy them and put a smile on your face for the day.