Halloween costumes

This one is for my mom since her birthday is today and the family has always felt that God mixed up my dad's birthday with my mom's. My dad's birthday is Valentines day which we have always felt that my mom was the true person with all the love of Cupid and day needed to be on Halloween since he is the scary person. This goes out to all the dog owners also.

Smile signs

Smile signs 4-U-2-C
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Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
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On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Maine Vets and Porcupines

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.
After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.
"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"


"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party
atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge
the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips,
including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would
see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it
right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Bird Feeder

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere! Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food. After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen. Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English. Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to "press one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties. Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder. If you agree, pass the word on; if not, continue cleaning up the poop!

Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Children will be children

Yelling in the house. I use to think as a child why we yelled across the house for someone and Calvin said it best here.

How ALL business phones SHOULD be answered

How ALL business phones SHOULD be answered!

GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

Press "1" for English.

Press "2" to disconnect until
you learn to speak English

And remember only two defining forces
have ever Offered to die for you,

Jesus Christ

And the American Soldier.

One died for your soul,
the other for your freedom.

Day Off From School

Day Off From School................

On Monday a call came in to the School Receptionist. "Hello, please mark William absent today," said the man.

"Why?" asked the receptionist.

"He is sick," said the man.

"Ok, may I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.

"My uncle." said William.

BLONDE JOKE

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that
they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a Regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blond.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks The pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the Pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant."
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container ......(Are you ready for this one!?)

"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.

Having a Bad Day????

Having a Bad Day????
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, 2 of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany. Suddenly, all 2000 pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn' t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better????

Cat Days

Oh the days of cute cat photos. It amazes me how much I miss some pets from the past such as Mickey our tabby cat, he was one of a kind. I have had my share of memories of all the pets I have had over the years and it brings smiles when I see some of these photos. I hope you enjoy some of these.

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What
the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of
jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Southern Thinking

Georgia:
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."

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Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked..

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied."

You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter.
"But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

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Louisiana:
A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying...
"When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied "he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

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Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?

"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

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Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

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North Carolina :
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

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And My favorite:

You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...

God and voicemail

What if God decided to install Voicemail?

Thank you for calling Heaven, please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for all Other Inquiries
I am sorry, all of our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now.
However, Your Prayers important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If You would like to speak to:
God press 1
For Jesus, press 2
For the Holy Spirit, press 3
And if you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while You are holding, press 4.
If You would like to find a Loved One that has been assigned to heaven, press 5, then enter His or Her Social Security number followed by the pound sign. If You get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N followed by the numbers 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until You arrive.
Our computers showed that You have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow.
This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a Religious Holiday.
Please Pray again on Monday after 930a.m.
If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact you Local Pastor.

Thank you and have A Good Day!