A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud,
there is something wrong with you. This is
dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to
get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the
dear) purchased a week of personal training
at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being
a high school football cheerleader 43
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea
to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations
with a personal trainer named Belinda, who
identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing
and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my
progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out
of bed, but found it was well worth it when
I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
goddess - with blonde hair,dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda
gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I
enjoyed watching the skillful way in which
she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from
holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a
heavy iron bar into the air then she put
weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly
on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new
life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by
laying the toothbrush on the counter and
moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for
early in the morning and when she scolds,
she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair
monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY :
Belinda was waiting for me with her
vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl
I couldn't help being a half an hour late,
it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.
When she was not looking, I ran and hid in
the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch
to find me
Then, as punishment, she put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any
human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheer
leader. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would
beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't
want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
damned barbells or anything that weighs more
than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY :
Belinda left a message on my answering
machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering
why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the
machine with my planner. However, I lacked
the strength to even use the TV remote and
ended up catching eleven straight hours of
the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY :
I' m having the Church van pick me up for
services today so I can go and thank GOD
that this week is over. I will also pray
that next year my daughter (the little shit)
will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still
say if God had wanted me to bend over, he
would have sprinkled the floor with
diamonds!!!