Jar Number 47

A new miracle doctor had just arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.

Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. He went and told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar and told Mr. Thompson to taste it.

He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor.

So Mr. Thompson went home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson went back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!"

Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47..."

Immediately Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

Attitude

There once was a woman who woke up one morning,
looked in the mirror,
and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today?"
So she did
and
she
had
a
wonderful
day.
The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror
and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"Hmmmmm," she said,
"I think I'll part my hair down the middle today?"
So she did
and
she
had
a
grand
day.
The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said,
"today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail."
So she did
and
she
had
a
fun,
fun
day.
The next day she woke up,
looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEA!" she exclaimed,
"I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Attitude is everything.
Be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly....

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass....
It's about learning to dance in the rain !

Atheist holiday- April 1st

Even though this is a joke sometimes I wish it was true. Society has gotten so bad I sometimes pray that God would come back before we tear ourselves up as a country. If only we had people like this in true life. I hope you enjoy this one.

Have you heard about this court case?

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation of Easter and
Passover holidays. He decided to contact his lawyer about the
discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded
to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while atheists had no
holiday to celebrate The case was brought before a wise judge. After
listening to the long passionate presentation by the lawyer, the Judge
banged his gavel and declared "Case Dismissed."

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling an d said, "Your
Honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Christians have Christmas,
Easter and many other observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and
Hanukkah......yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said "Obviously your
client is too confused to even know about, much less celebrate, his own
atheists' holiday!"

The lawyer pompously said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any such holiday
for atheists. Just when might that holiday be, your Honor?"

The judge said, "Well it comes every year & on exactly the same
date.....April 1st! Since our calendar sets April 1st as April Fools Day,
consider that Psalm 14:1 and Psalm 53:1 state, The fool says in his heart,
there is no God. Thus, in my opinion, if your client says there is no
God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is his holiday!"

Pray that some day our courts will be full of these kinds of
judges.....maybe then , we can put God back where He belongs
.........in everything we do.....

Way to go, Judge!

Beer at the grocery store

I thought I would try something different this time and post a funny video. I hope you enjoy this one I thought it was quite funny.

First Politician

I will admit that I am in a really goofy mood today. I have been in the hill country for a few days trimming trees, herding cattle with 4-wheelers, mowing, and just about anything so my body and my back feel like they are 100 years old right now. On the other hand I have been invited to a baseball game this Sunday so I am looking forward to that. My post today is just on the strange mood side of me today so I hope I can get a smile out of you anyway.

An archaeological team, digging in Washington DC , has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what is believed to be the first Politician.

Water vs Coke

Very interesting...what we put in our bodies!
I'm not sure I can swallow coke now... I hope no one does a coffee comparison or a Dr Pepper which is my favorite soda!

WATER

#1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
(Likely applies to half the world population.)

#2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak
that it is mistaken for hunger.

#3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as 3%.

#4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs
for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a University of
Washington study.

#5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

#6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of
water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain
for up to 80% of sufferers.

#7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term
memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on
the computer screen or on a ! printed page.

#8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of
colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast
cancer by 79%., and one is 50% less likely to develop
bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of water
you should drink every day?

COKE

#1. In many states the highway patrol carries
two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from
the highway after a car accident.

#2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke
and it will be gone in two days.

#3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the
toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour,
then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes
stains from vitreous china.

#4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers:
Rub the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds
Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

#5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour
a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble
away the corrosion.

#6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola
to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

#7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into
the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake.
Thirty minutes before ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix
with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

#8... To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke
into the load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run
through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen
grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your
windshield.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

#1. the active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
It will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric
acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major
contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.

#2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup! (the concentrate) the
commercial trucks must use a hazardous Material place
cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

#3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean
engines of the trucks for about 20 years!
Now the question is, would you like a glass of water?
or Coke?

Redneck Daughter

Dearest Redneck Daughter,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not to sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Jimmy Bobby said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried and hot because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister, Sissy, had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother, Jerry Lee.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.

We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt, Mom

Dear Tide

Dear Tide:
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the
best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white
blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how
clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new
white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney
called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the
disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a
murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.
Regards

The YaYa Sisters

This one I need to thank a good friend of mine, who is soon to be married to a great guy, for no other reason then to say she will be called Mrs Wino, for todays post. Thanks again for the funny email and I am hoping to spread the smiles to everyone today. It is amazing what just a smile will do to a persons outlook on life for the day. I hope this puts a smile on your face and brightens your day.

Laughter lowers your blood pressure and elevates your mood.

So, laugh loud and long!!

The Yaya Sisters

AND REMEMBER:

GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS.

YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,

BUT YOU ALWAYS KNOW THEY ARE THERE!

Tough Love

This looks like my kind of tough love. ;)

Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments." One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
lovin' mother

Best Excuse Ever

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up. Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. "
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

ER Reminder

This is what happens when you spend too much time online. Makes you wonder who really is that person typing on that keyboard.

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.

"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."

I would almost bet you didn't know this

In George Washington's days, there were, of course, no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back, while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are 'limbs,' therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression, 'Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.'
In the 1700's, as incredible as it may sound, men and women took baths only twice a year (May and October)! Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could afford good wigs made from wool. They couldn't wash the wigs, so to clean them they would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the term 'big wig.' Today we often use the term 'here comes the 'Big-Wig', because someone appears to be powerful and wealthy.
In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long, wide board folded down from the wall, an was used for dining. The head of the household' always sat in the chair while
everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Occasionally a guest, who was usually a man, would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. They called the one sitting in the chair the 'chairman.' Today, in business, we use the expression or title 'Chairman' or 'Chairman of the Board. Personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many people had developed acne scars by adulthood. The women would spread bees wax over their facial skin to smooth their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face, she was told, 'mind your own bee's wax.' Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term 'crack a smile.' In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt . . . therefore, the expression losing face.
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards, but only applicable to the 'Ace of Spades.' To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead of the standard 52. Yet, since most games required 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't 'playing with a full deck.’
Early politicians required feed-back from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, televisions, or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to 'go sip some ale' and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. 'You go sip here' and 'You go sip there. The two words 'go sip' were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term 'gossip.'
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers, and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in 'pints' and who was drinking in 'quarts,' hence the term 'minding your P's and Q's.'
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships, and many freighters, carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply near the cannon. However, how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method devised was a square-based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem......how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding, or rolling,20 from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a 'Monkey', with 16 round indentations. However, if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make 'Brass Monkeys Few land-lubbers realized that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too low the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannonballs would come right off of the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, 'cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.' (All this time, you thought that was an improper expression, didn't you?)

If women ruled the world

Today it will be a visual post and it is made all in jest. I hope you can get a smile out of what it would be like if women ran the world. LOL.

How Old Is Grandpa?

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. ?It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.
The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

' ????? television

' ????? penicillin

' ????? polio shots

' ????? frozen foods

' ????? Xerox

' ????? contact lenses

' ????? Frisbees and

' ????? the pill

There were no:

' ????? credit cards

' ????? laser beams or

' ????? ball-point pens

Man had not invented:

' ????? pantyhose

' ????? air conditioners

' ????? dishwashers

' ????? clothes dryers

' ????? and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

' ?????man hadn't yet walked on the moon


How old is Grandpa???

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . and then lived together. ?

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".
And after I turned 25, I still called every man older than me, "Sir"
We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. ?

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. ?

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. ?

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. ?

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. ?

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. ?

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. ?

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. ?

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. ?

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . but who could afford one?
Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. ?

In my day:

' ?????"grass" was mowed,

' ?????"coke" was a cold drink,

' ?????"pot" was something your mother cooked in and

' ?????"rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. ?

' ?????"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, ?

' ?????"chip" meant a piece of wood,

' ?????"hardware" was found in a hardware store and

' ? ? "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... and how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. ???

This man would be only 59 years old

The Rainbow

The most beautiful rainbow

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that
wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You
will have your heart broken probably more than once and
it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so
remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight
with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things
an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast,
and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too
many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never
been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be
afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Live simply. Love generously.
Care deeply. Speak kindly.
Leave the rest to God.