I AM THANKFUL

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway.....!
I AM THANKFUL:

FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.


FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS.


FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED .

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.



FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH. .

FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION .


FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.


FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS
I CAN HEAR.



FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.



FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MANY COMMENTS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
FRIENDS WHICH I AM TRULY GRATEFUL.


Live well, Laugh often, & Love with all of your heart!

4 Year Ceiling

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.

"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."

"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."

Men are Like...........

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ....... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like....Bananas .. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like... Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like..... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara .. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ...Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like.....Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like..... Parking Spots....All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Menopause Jewelry

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.


We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin' red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

Bikini

You may be able to help me. As always, when I need advice or counsel I turn to my most trusted friends. I do this because I know you will always be candid and honest with me. I need your opinion on something that has been bothering me for some time now. I am counting on you so please don't let our long lasting friendship influence your answer. Thanks in advance!


Does this bikini make this hippo's butt look too big???
Hope this put a smile on your face !
BLESSED ARE THE CRACKED, FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT,

Working Replica of Noah's Ark

Working Replica of Noah's Ark Opens
SCHAGEN, Netherlands -
The massive central door in the side of Noah's Ark
was thrown open Saturday
- you could say it was the first time in 4,000 years - drawing a crowd
Of curious pilgrims and townsfolk to behold the wonder.


Of course, it's only a replica of the biblical Ark, built by Dutch Creationist Johan Huibers
as a testament to his faith in the literal truth of the Bible.
Reckoning by the old biblical measurements, Johan's fully functional ark

Is 150 cubits long, 30 cubits high and 20 cubits wide. That's two-thirds
The length of a football field and as high as a three-story house.
Life-size models of giraffes, elephants, lions, crocodiles, zebras,
Bison and other animals greet visitors as they arrive in the main hold.
"The design is by my wife, Bianca," Huibers said. "She didn't really
Want me to do this at all, but she said if you're going to anyway,
it should look like this."

A contractor by trade, Huibers built the ark of cedar and pine ---
Biblical Scholars debate exactly what the wood used by Noah would have been.
Huibers did the work mostly with his own hands, using modern tools
And occasional help from his son Roy. Construction began in May 2005.
On the uncovered top deck - not quite ready in time for the opening
- will come a petting zoo, with baby lambs and chickens, and goats.
and one camel.

Visitors on the first day were stunned.
"It's past comprehension," said Mary Louise Starosciak, who happened
To be bicycling by with her husband while on vacation when they saw
The ark looming over the local landscape.
"I knew the story of Noah, but I had no idea the boat would have been
So big."

In fact, Noah's Ark as described in the Bible was five times larger
Than Johan's Ark.
But that still leaves enough space near the keel for a 50-seat film
Theater, where kids can watch the segment of the
Disney film "Fantasia" that tells the story of Noah.
Another exhibit shows water cascading down on a model of the Ark.
Exhibits on the third level show ancient tools and old-fashioned
Barrels, exotic stuffed animals, and a wax model of an
exhausted Noah reclining on a bed in the forecastle.

Genesis says Noah kept seven pairs of most domesticated animals and
One breeding pair of all other creatures, plus his wife, three sons and
Three daughters-in-law together on the boat for almost a year
while the world was deluged.
Perhaps it was only logical that the replica project would be the
Brainchild of a Dutchman: fear of floods are ingrained in the country's collective
Consciousness by its water-drenched history.
Lois Poppema, visiting from California, said she thought the Netherlands
Was exactly the right place for an ark.
"
Just a few weeks ago we saw Al Gore on television .. Saying that all
Holland will be flooded" due to rising sea levels, she said.
"I don't think the man who made this ever expected that global warning
Will become (such an important) issue - and suddenly having the ark
Would be meaningful in the middle of Holland."
Under sunny clear skies Saturday, Huibers said he wasn't worried about
Another biblical flood, since according to Genesis, the rainbow is the
Sign of God's promise never to flood the world again.
But he does worry that recent events such as the flooding of New Orleans
could be seen as a portent of the end of time.
Huibers said he hopes the project will renew interest in Christianity in
The Netherlands, where churchgoing has fallen dramatically in the past
50 years. He also plans to visit major cities in Belgium and Germany.-

SKINNY DIPPING

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Old men can still think fast.

5 Nuns in Town

Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

GIVE US A SENSE OF HUMOR LORD,

GIVE US THE GRACE TO SEE A JOKE,
TO GET SOME HUMOR OUT OF LIFE,

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

The following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. I have attached a photo of a certain celebrity by the name of Alec Baldwin. IMO this person would be one of many that would try to complete the task described at the end of this definition. It was so hard to pick among the many to portray in this joke. :)

This year’s term: POLITICAL CORRECTNESS.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS IS A DOCTRINE BY A DELUSIONAL, ILLOGICAL LIBERAL MINORITY, AND RABIDLY PROMOTED BY AN UNSCRUPULOUS MAINSTREAM MEDIA, WHICH HOLDS FORTH THE PROPOSITION THAT IT IS ENTIRELY POSSIBLE TO PICK UP A TURD BY THE CLEAN END!

French Bubblegum

An American in Paris is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread?"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France "

Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Tortoise and the Hippo

" Much of life can never be explained but only witnessed."

- Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

NAIROBI (AFP) - A baby hippopotamus that survived the

tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strong

bond with a giant male century-old tortoise in an animal

facility in the port city of Mombassa , officials said.

The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about

300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki

River into the Indian Ocean , then forced back to shore

when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on

December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.

"It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a

male tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to

be very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu,

who is in charge of Lafarge Park , told AFP.

"After it was swept away and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized.

It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother.

Fortunately, it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond.

They swim, eat and sleep together," the ecologist added.

"The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it followed its mother.

If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive,

as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu added.

"The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age and

by nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with their

mothers for four years," he explained.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,

but by the moments that take our breath away."

This is a real story that shows that our differences don't matter

much when we need the comfort of another.

We could all learn a lesson from these two creatures of God,

"Look beyond the differences and find a way to walk the path together."

Save the Earth... it's the only planet with chocolate.

Tech support

"Hello, technical support, how can I help you"?

LADY: "Last night my computer started making a lot of hissing noise at me so I shut it down. This morning when I turned it on the computer started hissing and cracking,then started smoking and a bad smell, then nothing".

SUPPORT: "I will have a technician come over first thing this morning, just leave the computer just like it is, so they can find the problem and fix it, or change it out with another computer. Give me your address; phone number and the technician will be there just as soon as they can".

When the technician got there, the lady showed the technician where the computer was, said what happened to it; this is what the technician found wrong. Take a look at the pictures... you won't believe your eyes!!!!!


And you thought you had computer problems!!!

The technician told her:It must have been after the mouse! The woman didn't think it was very funny at all.

God Bless America the song

Let us all pay special attention to these words. These are not my words but the words of Dr. Charles Stanley. Obrecht

In 1918, Irving Berlin wrote a song (revised in 1938) that has touched millions of lives for nearly a century. That song, of course, is the classic, "God Bless America." Most Americans, however, take the lyrics of that masterpiece for granted. Slightly rewriting the words in 1938 to reflect the tone of the country as war threatened Europe, Berlin created an instant sensation. "God Bless America" was soon heard from shore to shore in churches, town squares, and social gatherings; it also got tremendous air time on the radio. The American people, fearing the coming war, embraced this song as a unified prayer for peace and protection. The lyrics pierced the heart of our culture as we, in one accord, prayerfully sang:

God bless America, land that I love.

Stand beside her and guide her

Through the night with a light from above.

From the mountains, to the prairies

To the oceans white with foam

God bless America, my home sweet home.

Today, in the midst of a modern war, it is a tragedy that we have lost touch with this song of faith. Over the past few decades, we have shifted away from a national faith in God torward an often self-important, self-centered, and self-empowered lack of faith. As you cry out to the Lord today, I challenge you to rediscover this national classic and lift it up to God in prayer. Speak the words slowly. Let each phrase touch your heart as you make this petition to the King of all nations.
Always remember and never forget 9-11-01

Weathermen

This sounds like a good explanation on why weathermen are the way they are and we couldn't believe a forecast they tell us. I like this one about as any someone could come up with. I hope you enjoy this one.

IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD. SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE. NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED. BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND ASKED, "IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?" "IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD," THE METEOROLOGIST AT THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED. SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE FIREWOOD IN ORDER T O BE PREPARED. A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "DOES IT STILL LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?" "YES," THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, "IT'S GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER." THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND. TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. "ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY COLD?"
"ABSOLUTELY," THE MAN REPLIED. "IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE'VE EVER SEEN." "HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?" THE CHIEF ASKED. THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, "THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY."

Maxine solving America's problems

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately. Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida . Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans .
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
"Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile .."

Bubba and the Interview

Bubba's Job Interview/Test

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct; this being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."!

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this... on question #4, the Yankee put down, "I don't know." And you put down, "Neither do I."

Riddles

Today I will admit that todays post is either my version of and adult PG-13 or R rating. This is my warning to all, I do hope you enjoy them.


Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out yo ur own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q.What is the difference between "ooooooh"and " aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch!

Comic Machinegun

REAL 911 Calls

This one goes out to all that are working on this Labor Day.
BELIEVE it or not; These are REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher! : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!


And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doi ng before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police