Sunday, April 29, 2007
Grandma's Hands
Today I am in a mood that brings back memories of my childhood. My grandparents when they were alive ,on my dad's side of the family, lived about thirty miles from where I grew up. Every sunday after church we would go to see my grandparents. At the time when we would do that being a kid I would complain. Why do we always come up here to see Oma and Opa I would ask? That is what we called my grandparents on my dad's side being German and all. My dad would always say because they are getting old and they won't be around forever they love seeing all of their grandchildren. I am missing those days and when I got this little story from a really good friend it reminded me of my grandmother. I miss her every now and then and when I get things like this it makes me want to go to the country and get out of the big city rat race. One day really soon I am going to take my granddaughter to go see her mema, which is what she calls her great grandma. I look forward to being able to add memories to the memory banks soon. I hope you enjoy the story as much as I did. Oh by the way the photo in todays post is of my daughter and granddaughter in the country last year.
Grandma, some ninety plus years sat feebly on the patio bench. She didn't move, just sat with her head down staring at her hands. When I sat down beside her she didn't acknowledge my presence and the longer I sat I wondered if she was OK. Finally, not really wanting to disturb her but wanting to check on her at the same time, I asked her if she was OK.
She raised her head and looked at me and smiled. "Yes, I'm fine, thank you for asking," she said in a clear strong voice.
"I didn't mean to disturb you, Grandma, but you were just sitting here staring at your hands and I wanted to make sure you were OK," I explained to her.
"Have you ever looked at your hands?" she asked. "I mean really looked at your hands?" I slowly opened my hands and stared down at them. I turned them over, palms up and then palms down. No, I guess I had never really looked at my hands as I tried to figure out the point she was making.
Grandma smiled and related the following story:
Stop and think for a moment about the hands you have, how they have served you well throughout your years.
"These hands, though now wrinkled, shriveled and weak have been the tools I used all my life to reach out and grab and embrace life. They braced and caught my fall when as a toddler I crashed upon the floor. They put food in my mouth and clothes on my back. As a child my mother taught me to fold them in prayer. They tied my shoes and pulled on my boots."
"They held my husband and wiped my tears when he went off to war. They have been dirty, scraped and raw, swollen and bent!"
"They were uneasy and clumsy when I tried to hold my newborn son. Decorated with my wedding band they showed the world that I was married and loved someone special."
"They wrote my letters to him and trembled and shook when I buried my parents and spouse. They have held my children and grandchildren, consoled neighbors, and shook in fists of anger when I didn't understand. They have covered my face, combed my hair, and washed and cleansed the rest of my body."
"They have been sticky and wet, bent and broken, dried and raw. And to this day when not much of anything else of me works real well these hands hold me up, lay me down, and again continue to fold in prayer."
"These hands are the mark of where I've been and the ruggedness of life. More importantly it will be these hands that God will reach out and take when he leads me home. And with my hands He will lift me to His side and there I will use these hands to touch the face of Christ."
I will never look at my own hands the same again. God reached out and took my grandma's hands and led her home. When my hands are hurt or sore or when I stroke the face of my children and husband I think of Grandma. I know the hands of God have held her. And I, too, want to touch the face of God and feel His hands upon my face.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Main Reason To Be Nice To Nurses!!
For everyone who love attorneys.
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just
like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything
to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She
came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated,
"but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he
rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,
"I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.
He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his
door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you
ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."
Friday, April 27, 2007
Headlines for the Future in the Year 2029
I had a little bird tell me from the great country down under, Australia, to get my brain in gear. I am so glad that there are friends that I have that will put that fire under me to not get into a rut . Here is my funny side of what this country is going to be like if we don't find a way to get back to basics. With my tongue in cheek here are my thoughts on the MSM and what they would print......
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85 year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Did you know?
WHICH ARE TRUE OR FALSE???
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a
lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 percent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are
2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13 A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search
for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning
their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a
Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white
paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane,
just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can
for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from
women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th
cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
Did you figure out which ones were true? The answer is all of them are true.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Someone once noted that a Texan can get away with the most awful kind of
insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or
"Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the
head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane highway."
I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about
her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler is
just beginning to talk and he has a Texas accent. My friend, who is very
kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers,
was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to
move to Texas a couple of years ago.
"Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be
"taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."
Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North,
bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and
their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past
their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the
heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!
I have a friend from Bawston, bless her heart, who thinks it's hilarious
when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the
light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin" to do something.
And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or
what "I reckon" means!
My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she cain't
help being ugly, but she could'uh stayed home."
Texas girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day.
Texas girls always say:
1. "Yes Maam."
2. "Yessir."
Texas girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. "Yawl come back."
2. "Well, bless yer harrt."
3. "Drop by when ya can."
4. "How's yer mama?"
5. "Love yer hair."
Texas girls know their three R's:
1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest
Texas girls know everybody's first name:
1. Hunny
2. Darlin'
3. Shuger
Texas girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"
Texas girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates
G.R.I.T. = Girls Raised in Texas !
Now you run along, Shuger, and send this to ANY females aspiring to be
GRITS--Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts".
"Just because you move to Texas does not make you a Texan. After all, if
a cat had kittens and moved them to the oven, that wouldn't make them
biscuits."
Questions that haunt me???
Can you cry underwater?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny go?
Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
That brings up the other question what if you get cremated?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people said they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway?
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the HOV (carpool) lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, then why couldn’t he fix a hole on a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but you call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your bu$$?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Sometimes I think to myself, goodness I am getting old, being over 50 and my birthday coming up next month do I feel like a senior? LOL. Yes, some days my body screams at me, saying you aren't 25 anymore don't do that the body cannot take it. I then think to myself ok ok ok I know that I am getting old. Other days I do feel like a 25 year old in some of the things I do. This little gem of a joke makes me feel young again but on the other hand I like this womans attitude. When diet drinks first hit the market I use to always wonder how come the diet drinks were more expensive then the ones with sugar. I would think hey wait a minute these drinks don't have sugar in them so they should be cheaper then the ones with sugar. Right? No, they rip off the customer by claiming the process of taking out the sugar makes it more expensive. Then I think to myself, why put the sugar in it, in the first place? I think it is a conspiracy to always rake us over the coals, by always taking our money that we work so hard to earn. :) One day this lady will be a senior then all I have to say is watch out world here I come. :) Joke goes like this....
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast for $1.99
Sounds good, my wife said. But I don't want the eggs. Then I'll have to charge you $2.49 because then you are ordering a la carte, the waitress warned her.
You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs? My wife asked incredulously.
Yes!! Stated the waitress
I will take the special. My wife said.
How do you want your eggs? The waitress asked.
Raw and in the shell. My wife replied.
She took the two eggs home
Moral of the story is,
"DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!"
We've been around the block more than once.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
The Rules
Some people might think that I am serious about things in life. I do have a streak of sarcasm in me that surfaces on occasions. This is a time that my sarcasm has shown up. Take this with a grain of salt but also remember guys that there is some truth to it also.
The Rules
1) The female always makes the rules
2) The rules are subject to change at any time, without prior notification to the male.
3) No male can possibly know all the rules.
4) If the female suspects the male knows some or most of the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5) The female is never wrong.
6) If the female seems to be wrong it is because of a misunderstanding caused by something the male did or said, which was wrong.
7) If Rule 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8) The female may change her mind at any time.
9) The male must never change his mind without express,prior, written consent from the female.
10) The female has the right to be angry or emotionally upset at any time.
11) The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to become angry or emotionally upset.
12) The female must not let the male know whether she wants him to become angry or emotionally upset.
13) Any attempt to document the validity of these rules could result in bodily harm to the person attempting such documentation.
14) If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void, at her discretion-see Rules 1,2,5 and 8.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Black and White
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)
You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,
"Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet."
Depending on the channel you tuned,
You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys,
Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys,
Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train,
Superman, Jimmy and
Father Knows Best, Patty Duke,
Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too,
Donna Reed on Thursday night! --
Life looked better in black and white.
I want to go back to black and white.
Everything always turned out right.
Simple people, simple lives.
Good guys always won the fights.
Now nothing is the way it seems,
In living color on the TV screen.
Too many murders, too many fights,
I want to go back to black and white.
In God they trusted, alone in bed, they slept,
A promise made was a promise kept.
They never cussed or broke their vows.
They'd never make the network now.
But if I could, I'd rather be
In a TV town in '53.
It felt so good. It felt so right.
Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite,
If I could just turn back the clock tonight
To when everybody knew wrong from right.
Life was better in black and white!
Another Goody For The Oldtimers
My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting
board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.
My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat it
raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a
brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting ecoli.
Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a
pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager
was the school PA system.
We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top
Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes
with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries
but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now..
Flunking gym was not an option...even for stupid kids! I guess PE must be
much harder than gym.
Speaking of school , we all sang the national anthem, and staying in detention
after school caught all sorts of negative attention.
We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system
we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.
I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed
to be proud of myself.
I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo,
X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.
Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that
bee sting? I could have been killed!
We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites,
and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome
(kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our
butt spanked.
Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle
of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving
a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either because if we did, we got our
butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home.
I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the
front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could
have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such
a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were
from a dysfunctional family How could we possibly have known that?
We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes? We
were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice
that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?